Dear Really Loud Guy in Panera

Dear Really Loud Guy in Panera,

You are being really loud. I understand that Panera isn’t a library, and while some people are here to do work and abuse the free Wi-Fi, most people are just here to chat and enjoy coffee and delicious baked goods. You are well within your right to chat with your companions, but even if I wasn’t trying desperately to come up with a thesis for a paper that is now several months overdue, I would be annoyed by how loud you are. You are really loud. I think I detect a little bit of a New York accent, and I did have a professor once who explained he only sounded like he was yelling at us due to his New York upbringing, but I still shouldn’t be able to decipher every single word you’ve spoken in the last fifteen minutes. And it’s really annoying to everyone in the establishment that you’re on your cell phone. People tend to be more forgiving if you’re loud and chatting in person, but being loud on your cell phone isn’t as excusable. You could go outside. I know it’s hot out there, but do you think everyone is interested in the argument you’re having with your wife over what you’re supposed to buy at the store? Is it really her fault you don’t have the school supply lists for your children? Should she really know if the stores you’ll be shopping at have copies of the school supply lists? And no, I highly doubt that the lists would be the same for students at two different schools, considering they’re probably at different schools due to being in different grades, and usually different grades require different supplies. Your middle school daughter probably doesn’t need a pencil box and pack of 24 crayons like your second grader does. 

If you’re going to continue to be loud, could you at least be loud about progressive education and rhet-comp. theories? That would be helpful. 

Thanks so much,

The Center of Attention

Whatever, News Goat.

(A short rant to be followed by a much longer and more heated rant later.)

You know, I don’t ask for much. I’m pretty easy going, and if you pay even the slightest bit of attention to me, I’ll probably be so happy I’ll shower the love back on you ten fold. I also don’t get out much, so the mere hint an outing may occur leaves me practically squirming in my seat. Unfortunately, probably because I don’t often get the attention (I deserve) or get out of the house, I get even more bitter, angry, and vengeful when there are cancellations. Or, better than a cancellation, just being out and out ignored so that any plans are clearly null and void without anyone ever having to say it isn’t going to happen.

Perhaps I’m wrong to be upset. Perhaps, when the News Goat changes his Facebook status in June to ask for someone to go with him to see Lewis Black, and I told him I’d go if he was interested in my company for the show, I should have thought it was just banter. Perhaps when he told me he bought the tickets he didn’t mean a ticket for him and a ticket for me, he just meant he bought tickets. Perhaps when we went to see Wall*E and had good times and made plans for hanging out before the Lewis Black show, he was just faking his enthusiasm and enjoyment of my company. Perhaps, even though his excuse for not getting together with me or having time to get in touch with me for almost a month seemed pretty genuine, it was also a great excuse for not having to get together with me or get in touch with me. Perhaps I shouldn’t have hoped he would reply to my e-mail, an e-mail where I specifically asked if we were still on for Lewis Black, as it is silly and ridiculous to think anyone would want to spend time with me, even if it is time where we don’t really have to acknowledge each other’s presence, except for the little bit of time before the show (where we’d talk about why were excited to see the show) and the little bit of time after the show (where we’d talk about the best parts of the show).

Am I really that much of a drag/repulsive/annoying/odious?

This is the last time I do something ridiculous, like go through a radio show, to meet a guy.