I want to be my Arch Nemesis.

My Arch Nemesis has what could be called an unhealthy obsession with dropped food. She takes pictures of it, and I’m pretty sure there’s a page on her blog devoted to dropped food she’s encountered. While I normally don’t jump on the Arch Nemesis bandwagon, when I was Target-ing today, I discovered this:

It was pretty sad, since it looked like an absolutely delicious fat pretzal, and I immediately changed my mind about buying food inside Target if this is the sort of yumminess they’re hocking. I’m also not quite sure if that missing section was a bite or if it was dropped before it could even be tasted, and the missing section is more due to being stepped on or rolled on by a car. I’m also not sure I would have picked it up and eaten it, as it’s dangerously close to the exhaust pipe of the car parked over it, but other than a little general wear and tear, it probably would have been okay.

I hope my Arch Nemesis is happy, since she has so inspired me that I whipped out my camera in the busy Target parking lot to document an instance of dropped food.

Merely for my amusement.

I don’t quite understand what I did to the News Goat, but I apparently fell so far out of his good graces he de-Facebooked me. “How do you de-Facebook someone?” you may ask. Well, you de-friend them, and then you lock your profile down so it’s like you don’t even exist, except it’s obvious you still do because when you’re stalked by said person you de-Facebooked, you turn up in the friend lists of other people. My Arch Nemesis and I went over the reasons he could have had for the de-Facebooking, and not content to keep my bitterness over the matter to myself, I am going  to share our top three reasons I was de-Facebooked, among other, less hurtful disses (such as not getting to go see Lewis Black).

#3 My blog.

It’s possible, since I have my blog tucked somewhere into my Facebook profile, that he found it and decided to become an avid reader. My ramblings and musings as to his disappearance and my resulting anger at him for canceling without canceling might have pissed him off. No great loss, because if you can’t handle being made fun of by me, you really aren’t good enough for me.

#2 Bringing AnorSEXYa Back

According to the South Carolina Department of Mental Health, 1 in every 200 women suffers from Anorexia, and 2 to 3 in every 100 women suffers from Bulimia. With odds like that, it’s hard to not know someone with an eating disorder. Some people are touchy about their eating disorders, or their friends and family with eating disorders, and it’s possible Mr. News Goat falls into one or two of those categories. Should I apologize for Bringing AnorSEXYa Back? Nah. I like to follow the comedian’s rule of thumb in situations like these: You can only make jokes about black people if you’re black. If you rock (or have rocked) an eating disorder, you may make fun of it. The joke works on other levels, too, because it could be said that many a Hollywood celebrity is Bringing AnorSEXYa Back. Have you seen some of those kids lately? Definitely not enough meat on their bones to help you survive if you’re on a plane with them and crash in the Andes, and you know that someone with such low body weight is definitely going to die first.

#1 Ex-Boyfriend-Kurt threatened him.

This is the clear winner. There really isn’t a more accurate representation of what probably happened. See, Ex-Boyfriend-Kurt still loves me and wants me back, but he’s biding his time. Obviously this means he’s stalking me on-line, and has found my blog. His plans of winning me back will be foiled if I’m with another man, so he cleverly did a little internet research/stalking until he found the News Goat’s Facebook profile. A simple threatening e-mail or two and BAM!. The News Goat gives me the slip and locks down his Facebook existence so as not to be harassed or threatened in the future. I may be sad and angry about the situation now, but I’ll clearly forgive Ex-Boyfriend-Kurt once we are back together and in love. Sometimes you have to slaughter a goat in order to feed the family.

You know, that wasn’t nearly as funny as it seemed when I went over it with my Arch Nemesis. But things rarely are. Sigh.