After I had broken up with Ex-Boyfriend-Mike, I was convinced he had wrecked me. I thought that all the baggage I was carrying from our relationship had really ruined my chances at a successful relationship with someone new. I went through a hiccup with a guy (a hiccup being a connection that could potentially go somewhere but never does), and that added to my belief Ex-Boyfriend-Mike has wrecked me. No guy would ever want me, blah blah blah. Enter massive self-deprecation and pretty continual pity parties. Even after things with Ex-Boyfriend-Kurt has started and were looking up, I still had this fear it’d all blow up in my face. If I could give almost everything I had to a guy I loved and have it be a huge failure, why would anyone who didn’t have any sort of investment in me and who hadn’t been shown how awesome I could be as a girlfriend give me a chance?
I suppose I’ve been going through the same thing since he break-up with Ex-Boyfriend-Kurt, although that break-up being more sudden and sharp, the path of recovery has been much more difficult. I wouldn’t say Ex-Boyfriend-Kurt wrecked me, not in the way that I’m now tainted goods for future guys (he certainly wrecked me emotionally), but I make no bones about blaming myself for the demise of our relationship. This relationship hasn’t left me thinking all guys are going to be horrible jerks, but rather that I’m not really good enough for anyone. If I look at it logically, this thing with the News Goat is a hiccup, just like the one I had last time, and perhaps for me a hiccup is part of the moving on process (like normal people have rebound relationships).
But but but but but.
I’m blaming myself for doing something (I’m not sure what, as the News Goat isn’t blind in one eye) that has made him not be interested in even a pithy on-line friendship. I’m angry that as much as I want to be pissed at him (and rightly so, as everyone I’ve bitched about this has agreed he’s the jerk here), I can’t help but think it’s me. Just like Ex-Boyfriend-Kurt left because of me and my insecurities/fragile psyche/Crazy, the News Goat may have gotten a whiff of those things and decided the best way to get out is to never get in in the first place. As the day wore on and it got closer and closer to the point of no return (i.e. the absolute last minute I could feasibly leave and make it to Charlotte in time for the show), I turned over every little thing I had ever said to him and every little thing he had ever said to me, trying to see the glaringly obvious warning signal. Was I too pushy in trying to invite him to hang out? Was he being polite in saying he enjoyed talking to me? What the heck happened?
Of course this comes at a time when I’m sinking deep into missing Ex-Boyfriend-Kurt territory, and as I revealed to An the other day, I’m back to planning to lie behind his car so he can’t back out of his parking space and go anywhere, forcing him to either run me over and cause serious bodily harm or love me. Even a long conversation with Harvard Guy didn’t help me feel better about myself (probably because the conversation didn’t involve him proposing to me or suggesting we run away together and spend our days reading books and having ridiculously smart conversations about said books). I’m not really approaching the big 2-9 with my clinical depression membership card in hand, but I am missing the guy I was expecting to be around to celebrate it with me. I mean, let’s face it, Ex-Boyfriend-Kurt made a huge impression on me, helped me survive something I probably wouldn’t have survived on my own, and seriously epitomizes everything I want in a man I marry and have kids with. I would give almost anything to have him back. Sure, I say that WAY too much, but I’m not being dishonest and saying I’ve dealt with the break-up, moved on, and am a better person for it. I admit the break-up is still kicking my butt, and the thought that it’s been almost a year and Ex-Boyfriend-Kurt has moved on, doesn’t think of me, is never coming back, etc…. It’s enough to make a girl throw up. Or not eat. Or cry. Or all three.
The fact I’ve been pseudo-rejected by the News Goat is weighing heavily on me because of all that, and even though I know I’ve been here before and survived to find bigger and better things, my heart is still heavy. I do wish Ex-Boyfriend-Kurt knew how much he meant to me, and I wish wish wish he’ll wake up and think, ‘Gee, I need Leigh back. I should go lie down behind her car so she can’t back out of her parking space and refuse to get up until she loves me again.’ A girl can dream. It keeps her from thinking she’ll be alone forever.
And now I’m done being depressed on-line. I’ll go be depressed in bed.
Posted by the center of attention 
